Knicks in Five and Back Fat Rankings

Knicks are champions. 

Lindsay called her husband fat in the car and immediately got dropped off. 

And after a weekend that escalated into the kind of night nobody should have to have, Chelsea is officially moving out and no one's poking her in the chest at 4am ever again. 

Chelsea and Cyber are thriving, a girls' night got fully hijacked by work nerds, Johnny learned some hard lessons about reading the room, and a very important back fat taxonomy that no one asked for but everyone needed.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

And the night before what?

SPEAKER_00 0:01

They were tied up to a jerk. You never know. So they're a bitch in line. Just think about that. They just got their hands untied. Okay. Hello.

SPEAKER_02 0:15

And welcome to this week's episode of Honestly Smartless. I'm Chelsea Toronto.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

And I'm Dr. Lindsay.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

And welcome.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Each week we're just two nom girls, chit-chid in a way. Sometimes they're smart, always hilarious. Yeah. Woo. Go next. Woo!

SPEAKER_02 0:29

The New York Knickerbockers, after 53 years, have won the world championship in the NBA. Woo! Proud to be a New Yorker. Proud to be on the bandwagon.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Honestly, if the Spurs would have won, people would have been mad. Yes. Would have been like, you guys ruined something magical. Take a back seat. It's not your turn, okay?

SPEAKER_02 0:51

I love when legacy teams win.

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Yeah, something magical.

SPEAKER_02 0:55

It sure was fun to watch all those New Yorkers be excited.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

I have my championship ring on.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

That we got from your dead mother-in-laws. It wasn't necessarily your mother-in-law, but this person was in fact dead. I robbed her.

SPEAKER_00 1:10

Shit, good shit. You know what I did today? No. I called my husband fat.

SPEAKER_02 1:16

Oh shit. You did.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

God damn.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

I thought you said you didn't get up too much this morning.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Well, I know, right? We were driving to pick up my car at 30 in the morning. Just rolled out of bed. Oh boy. And I was scrolling through my Instagram and I saw this guy, someone that you hooked up with in the past. He is a top 10 finalist out of 32,000 people at the gym I work at for winning the grand prize. So he got shredded in the last 60 days. There's a 60-day challenge at my gym. That 60-day challenge is over.

SPEAKER_02 1:53

I'm so excited because A, I don't know who this person is at the gym. Don't tell me. Two, I can't believe the 60 days is over. Remember? We were so excited for your husband to get involved in this 60-day challenge with this trainer. Okay, okay, okay, good. Go on. Yeah. This is what it's like to hear T real time.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

This guy that I know, he's in the top 10. I slept with him? Yes. Okay, don't tell me.

SPEAKER_02 2:12

So excited.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

Pre-top 10. He wasn't bad before. He's just ripped now.

SPEAKER_02 2:16

Would he sleep with me again?

SPEAKER_00 2:17

He's married with a child, so probably not at this moment in time, but yeah. Okay, go on. Asking my husband, so what happened to the challenge? You didn't finish it, did you? And he's like, Yeah. Did you do all the workouts? He said, Well, I did the ones that my trainer gave me. Did you do the lower body ones? He said, Well, I did some of them. Like, oh, I just wasn't sure if you finished it or not. And he was like, Well, I do have other things to focus on in the last 60 days other than working out. And I was like, Oh, okay. And he's like, and I'm not fat, so it doesn't matter. I was like, I don't know, we got a little belly here. And I pinched his belly. That's the nicest way of saying that you need to lose some weight. Then I got real quiet in the car. And then it was time for me to get dropped off. I'm like, okay, bye.

SPEAKER_02 3:16

Do you think the message was received?

SPEAKER_00 3:18

I hope so. That's not the first time I've said it. And there's just a little belly there.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

Um, I don't love it when men have that haunch fat back here. That's the one that gets me. The saddlebags. Is that what that is? Yes. Uh-huh. I thought saddlebags was like the shit on my oh, I don't know. What's this called?

SPEAKER_00 3:37

You know, when you got like maybe that is a saddlebag on your outer thigh. Yeah. Whatever the roly-poly is that goes over the waistband, I don't like that.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

That like hog of fat, right? It's just like, yeah. But I don't care for that one because that looks like it's been sitting there a minute. Belly fat is soft and cute and can kind of be manipulated to like Yeah, you can kind of you can hide it, but that like back fat. I don't love back fat on other people. I don't like it on myself when my bra does me dirty. Oh my god, same. Stop doing that, bras. Stop doing that because you know you have the elastic. So if there's any fat back there, it bulges out. That's not cool. But I don't have that. But you don't have that. You don't have backpack. I almost did yesterday after everything we've been through. Take my shit away from me. I'm gonna have backpack back like that. Don't fuck with my shit.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Kill you. What? I'm gonna kill you over my backpack.

SPEAKER_02 4:41

I would.

SPEAKER_00 4:42

I would kill I would kill no serious. The nostrils flared. So that's what's going on in my neck of the woods. I just couldn't help myself because sometimes when someone is annoying you, it's just like I I can't I couldn't help myself.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

What more important things do you have to focus on in the last 60 days?

SPEAKER_00 5:03

I know than your health work?

SPEAKER_02 5:05

Being annoyed at you?

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Yeah. Annoyed at me? That does take up a lot of brain power, I'm sure. So then we were grocery shopping this morning and he's like, oh, I better get a frozen pizza when you're gone during the week. I'm like, oh yeah, so I'm gonna be gone on Monday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night. Well, I don't know what's going on Saturday yet. So yeah, I'm busy this week. I know. They made this little pouty face. I'm like, okay, well, I told you. That's a lot of days for him to work out since I won't be home. What's happening here? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 5:36

I don't sassy. I think it's in the air. I don't know if you guys could tell, but the energy Lindsay and I are having, we are getting restless. Like this energy. We talked about it a little bit last week. We were not intentionally trying to breadcrumb, but we can't talk about it. Well, guess what? This week I'm gonna talk about it. I don't know if you noticed earlier I was talking about the twangs because I did watch that documentary about that girl that wanted to be pregnant so bad she killed that girl, took that baby out of Oklahoma. And I was wondering, could I be that country? Not cut out a baby of another human. That's not the country portion I'm talking about. What I am talking about is could I ever want a baby that bad? Baby that bad, you want to cut it out the belly? Although. Wade is that hot.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

Oh, yeah. Wade the cowboy hero fills out a shirt.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

That's the ugliest face I ever made. He's a big boy and he does have back fat. Actually, you know, certain type of back fat is different. He has a good kind of back fat. There is. If you have the kind of back fat that's like the soft belly fat, somehow that doesn't irk me. You have that hard fat that just sits there. That fucking gets me. I'm a fat ass and I know this. So I know all of it. I can you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am. Just believe me.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

Yeah, that's solid brick.

SPEAKER_02 6:57

I know my roommate has that, that brick on the saddles. And I'm like, what? It's you have been there a minute. Yeah. It's getting harder. Uh-huh. Get up. Get out. I look like Katy Perry today. Oh. This portion. The hairline? Mm-hmm. Okay. You know, she's got that weird hairline. I didn't say it was good. I just said because she's got like a very curtain. Oh, I see. That's what I'm going to.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

I would say you're prettier than Katy Perry.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

Oh, thanks. And boy, is her boyfriend hot.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

Oh, Justin Trudeau. Oh. What a random coupling. I know. Top star, prime minister. Oh, he's so hot.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

She's so hot for getting him. Would I cut that baby out? No, but Wade is hot. I bet he's getting so much ass right now. And I hope so. He's this quiet, red-haired cowboy king. Mm-hmm. Mmm.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

He's just like, she would cook for me. No. She would pick up the kids. She would, you know, help out around the farm. She'd come hunt with me. She'd do everything I asked. I just thought she's so sweet. He's such a sweetheart. Did you watch it? I watched that part. I fell asleep.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

Well, he didn't love her.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Oh, well, I I guess I saw the part where he loved her initially.

SPEAKER_02 8:09

He said, I she wanted me to love her, but I never said it.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

And I was like, oh wait, why'd you stick with her?

SPEAKER_00 8:14

That's all he just did.

SPEAKER_02 8:16

Because you're a good man.

SPEAKER_00 8:17

He's a good man.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

What are you doing? Do you need a roommate? Oh, wait, you're in Oklahoma.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

I bet he is for three grand a month, you can be living a mansion.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

You know what? Okay. So I gotta be honest, with that three grand a month, that money money that he was trying to promise me, uh, there is no way that's ever coming through on the regular. I was like, I'm an idiot. Why the fuck did I think? When he was like, No, I swear I'll give you six grand a month. You can't even afford we he just lost a job. Oh. The funding on one of his construction jobs has has dried up. They haven't sold a lot in 24 months. Oh. So a job that funded five grand a month has been okay. So you make 20 grand a month. You're gonna give me six? Right. Not regularly. So I'm gonna have to figure something out. Anyway, so like I was saying the other day, our energy is kind of stifled a little bit. You know, when you feel so bottled up and just like I feel like I'm suffocating and we live very energetic lives. We're big energy. And when we don't, well I can't speak for Lindsay, but my energy, when I don't know where to put it, it's gonna go somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

It's gonna places and I don't know where to harness this restless, pent-up energy. So I'm just like getting real squirrely and I'm just taking it out on people around me, and it might not always be in the best positive light. Even though I'm trying to be positive because that's my natural state, but sometimes I still know how to use all my energy.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

How are you gonna use it? Because I know what I'm doing. Dick. Getting it so getting dicked down. Dick down. I mean, I'm getting dicked down, but married dick doesn't count as getting dicked down. That's like literally the baseline of being married.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I'll take it on my pickleball game. Maybe I'll be maybe taking out podcasting. I don't know. That's what I'm going out and about all the time. Like, I just gotta like talk to people, I have words to say.

SPEAKER_02 10:14

Right. What are we frustrated about because we haven't been paid what um for our podcasting professionalism? That's fine. Uh, but not so fine. But what's what's happening? Um, I just have this like look in my eye that's like I am ready to fuck shit up. And so, but I don't have to worry about that because my roommate will do it for okay. So my roommate had one of his episodes. Must be quarter two, right around the corner. Oh, look at that. Time for another major meltdown brought to you by alcohol and drugs. Our bestie Johnny needed somewhere to stay. And I said, of course. You and your boyfriend broke up. Say nothing more. I'll be at the door, ready for you whenever you he called me like, I don't know, Thursday. It's been a really long week. So if today's Sunday, Thursday, Johnny calls me and he's like, I need a place to stay while I'm at work at like 10:30. You know something's up when somebody calls you at 10:30. I said, absolutely, I'll be home by 11:30. My play over here was completely clean. The beds, the sheets were changed, the bathroom was clean. I mean, I was ready. I understand what it means to go into high gear like that. He came over, he was so grateful. I could stay however long you need. We're, you know, floating the idea of three weeks. All right, well, let's see what happens. We've had long-term house guests before. Yeah. And it's that time of year where you get a long-term house guest.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

For fuck's sake.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

My house, what'd you say? My house is what?

SPEAKER_00 11:37

Turning into a turning into a flop house for wayward souls.

SPEAKER_02 11:41

I'm the one that's supposed to be laying. How is everyone coming to stay with me? I am not grounded and I am not a safe haven for wayward, needy people. I'm the one that's needy. Isn't anyone I know? I was like, what's happening here? I'm the needy one. I need help. Who's taking me in? And now that's the true question. Thursday night and Friday night. Uh, I come home. I spent the night out on Thursday night. Yes. It's okay, one of the okay. Johnny spends the night next night, I am out. Tell my roommate I'm gonna be out late. I told you. Do the dogs. That's what co-parenting looks like. And then the following night, work, come home, my roommate and Johnny are drinking at the kitchen counter, which it's a rule here in the house that well, how about this? It's a rule that he chooses to implement in his own life not to drink at home. Um and I was thinking about it. It's really helpful that he doesn't drink at home, but then I I think there was a time not too long ago I thought maybe there was a possibility he was drinking at home, unbeknownst to me. And I was like, where the fuck did this bottle of vodka come from? And it's not the kind of whatever, so they're drinking. And in an instant, I walk in and I was so bummed to see my bestie partying with the person I consider the enemy. Because when my roommate drinks, if you take Adderall with it, some Adderall in his bedroom, when you drink on Adderall, oh maybe not for everybody. Maybe just this individual and this concoction. I can't I can't speak for everyone, but it helps this person drink even more. And now he's blacked out, but very functioning.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Yes. It's wild. I know. It's hard to tell when he's blackout, but you know.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

You can see it, you can hear it. It's horrible. Anyway, so those two are drinking and partying. Now and there, and he's my roommate's giving him the business. Now, this isn't what you need to do about your relationship. You need to cut off that financial leech. Of course it always comes down to finances. I wish I could fuck this guy over financially. So he's going back and forth. He's like, no, you listen to me. You listen to me. And he's like, and Chelsea, don't you go anywhere. We're gonna talk about last night. I'm like, what? I was like, I'm just making my bed. Like, get over here. So now he's going back and forth between. So it looks like it's a jovial, they're drinking, it's Saturday night, blah de blah. But it's not. I know I'm gonna get it for being out because I can't be out anymore. Apparently, I can't sleep away from the house. He's like, Where were you last night? I was like, I told you I was gonna be out late. Where were you?

unknown 14:46

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 14:47

Well, then maybe you should go back there, ho. I was like, believe me, I wish I could. Because that way he knows how to do it. He's a hog farmer. Let me tell you. I wish I could. He's like, go back there, ho. And I was like, Okay. Um, and I was like, well, he's like, whoever you're sleeping with, whatever guy you're sleeping with. I was like, who said it's a guy?

SPEAKER_00 15:17

He's like, his face starts twitching and his brain can't compute. Like, what, what?

SPEAKER_02 15:23

Well, if you're if you're into that kind of stuff, I was like, mm-hmm. Because I thought maybe I could throw him off the scent a little bit better. So it was one of his female friends. He's like, Oh, I know him. I was like, Of course you do. You know everyone in this town. Have we not established that before? I was like, you know her. Like, you need to go back wherever you stay because you cannot stay here. And he just likes people when they drink, they just keep repeating the same thing over and over and over and over again. And there's no talking sense into them. So we've lost the I make sense and can have a rational conversation train, departed. I'm stuck with the blacked out, drugged out. This is very complicated. And really, what this story is about let's see, victims of abuse, victims of alcoholism, children who have been abused by parents, maybe siblings who've been abused by their parents because what happened last night was uh Johnny was with me the whole time, and I turned to him and I was like, don't fucking leave. He's yelling at both of us at the same time while we're sitting on the couch, sure, like pointing down to us like we're kids. I I'm just come off work. I'm stone cold sober, there's nothing going on. And I'm thinking to myself, God, I want him this sounds so bad, but I wanted him to burden some of that abuse. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:53

I feel so bad that I wanted to throw him under the bus and like make the kids suffer so I didn't have to. And it's like, oh, I would do anything for my friends. And I didn't because I was so mad at him. Because it felt like Tony's well versed in everything that happens when my roommate gets like this. And so I kind of thought he would have done the things to avoid that. And I don't think he realized to what extent. He I felt what was the word? Betrayed. Betrayed by him drinking with the enemy. And so he did. And okay, once or twice he came to my he attempted to come to my aid, and he was like, oh man.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

Roommate, don't talk to her like that. And he's like, fuck you. You don't tell me how to talk to her. I can talk to her however I want to in my own house. You get the fuck out. Fuck out. Funny part was when we'd be screaming, he's like, you guys, can I sleep with someone now or do I need to wait a little bit longer? And now I just broke up with my boyfriend. Is it too soon? He's masterful. He's masterful. He did that a couple of times, in which he would try and jolt us out of it. Uh-huh. It was brilliant, and I loved it. He did it a handful of times. It worked a couple of times. He lost his shit on Johnny. And um, he's like, You get the fuck out. Johnny's like, Chelsea, come with me. And I'm like, I can't. I can't. And this is fucked up. So if you ever see a movie or you ever hear something and they say, Why don't you leave? Because you will always have to go back and it will always be worse. So if Johnny left around, I don't know, midnight? I don't really know what time. He had to leave, and I had to stay, and I had to stay with the enemy. Um because where was I gonna go?

SPEAKER_00 18:58

Right.

SPEAKER_02 18:59

Where was I gonna go? You know what? Like an idiot, I fucking forgot that there's a sofa outside of my apartment door. Why the fuck didn't I sleep out there? I'm like an idiot. Meanwhile, this guy my fucking roommate's like sitting on me poking me. Literally, poking me in the chest. Because I, you know, I'm sleeping on the sofa outside. Poking me on the chest. You need to get out. You need to get out. When are you leaving? When are you leaving? Let me kick you out. You can't sleep here. You need to get the fuck out over and over and over and over again. And at one point, as this is all happening, like it's like, yeah, what's wrong if I was hooking up with someone?

SPEAKER_04 19:42

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

You're pushing me over the edge and I'll tell you everything. But I didn't say everything because I don't want other people's lives to be impacted, so that's where I stopped. Because but I do feel real bad about the way I let that happen with Johnny, and I got so mad at him, and I was like, I was like, hey, I'm going out. Can you do me one huge favor? Can you move my car from outside parking lot into the inside parking lot? Because it gets towed at like 1129. I called him at 7 and he said, I will do that in 20 minutes. Well, fucking 1129's coming, and that motherfucker didn't move it, and now the tow trucks are set up. I'm like, what the fuck? Because A, you said you would. B, you're so grateful to be a hobcast. Okay, fine. But the fact that my roommate's now fucking involved because he's pulling up, he's getting home, just as my car's being pulled up the goddamn tow truck. And I was like, what the fuck? Okay, would I have been this upset if it had just been he and I? Maybe a little less, but why am I angry? Because now my roommate thinks I'm irresponsible. It's just one more thing for him to be very angry with me. And I'm like, well, how about all the times I've run down and I've saved your car? He's like, that doesn't matter. Nothing matters what you do, it only matters what I do. So I was like, Johnny, what you don't understand is everything you've done in this evening has put me in even uh more dangerous, precarious situation. What Donald means this morning, I need Johnny to think like a man, and he's been thinking like a child. This there's a real adult themes going on here. We look funny, I look goofy. It's not goofy over here.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

Right. Like you talk about it later on, be like, oh, you start in the throwing out of the balcony again. You know, you say it in a lighter way. That's the only way you can. Exactly. But it's not light. It's not light.

SPEAKER_01 21:39

Only thing light is me. And I almost wasn't because he was fucking with my shit.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

So if you could just get through those dark, dark hours of the the night since morning, like we're looking at four now. And then at 9 a.m. starts pushing me to wake up because I got earplugs. I'm like asleep with. I'm I'm exhausted now. That emotional drainage is is a different kind of tired. And he's like, get up. You need to get all the fobs. I want 'em all.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Cause I keep losing all my ship, but everyone keeps saying that's a sign for something better to come. And I was like, Great, because I've lost all my keys. And something else too that I can't remember that meant something. So he's like, get up, get out.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

And now what's the point of that? I mean, it just kept on going in the morning. It never even stopped. It didn't stop. It didn't stop.

SPEAKER_02 22:34

And I was like, you didn't sober up yet? Did you take more drugs? Like, what's happening here? And the thing is, like, oh, Tomcat staying out. For like 10 years, I sat at home and I waited just for him to like want me. I wanted him to like want this life that he went along with, and then you chose not to. Alright, fine. I mean, it took me a long time to be able to say, fine. I accept you as a person, but why can't you just let me be me? Oh, so this isn't really the terms in which we keep thinking it is. Well, let me rephrase. I'm not in the relationship I thought I was. I thought, okay, you can do you, you just can't bring it home. That appears to be less of the truth. So long story short, I am so grateful for the out for the outcome of this weekend because I'm gonna move out. That's it. Fuck this. I'm so fucking over this bullshit.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

Right. And his argument is I provide your lifestyle, I pay for everything. So you're gonna do what I tell you to do. What? You have to sit at home 24-7. Like, what the fuck? And you can do whatever the fuck you want because you make more money. No.

SPEAKER_03 23:43

No.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

The level of trauma and abuse that is this situation is I'm no longer safe. Like I am not safe. So I need to get out. Like, oh, is it safe now at 11 on a Sunday? Of course. Is it safe Monday night at like 7:30? Yes. Those are lovely hours. Yes. It's the hours that you can't control. You don't know when that enemy comes in.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

Yeah. And then I came over after this all happened and he was yelling at you again. He just would not stop going. And then when he realizes that I'm here, just like, oh hi. I'm like, hey. Then he stops, but he still is yelling at you. And then we proceed to leave and like go on with our day. And like, you know, go to Target, get foot massages, whatever. Um, and that psychosis switched off what, somewhere mid-afternoon yesterday. And it's like, oh, come back. The dogs love you. They need you. Come back home. Let's do this together. It's so fucked in the head. And then, you know, you get tricked into thinking, well, it's safe now. I'll go back home. But I know you are not tricked.

SPEAKER_02 24:58

You're not tricked, but there's a part of you that's like relieved that, like, okay, I could just go home and take a breath. There was a part of me that was in my mind, I was like, finally, somebody gets to see how bad this is. Um, I would love for you to be there when Johnny downloads, just so you can like, I mean, you're not gonna hear anything different, but I would just be from the content plot purposes, I would let you hear what this combat zone looks like.

SPEAKER_00 25:26

Yeah, then Johnny called me crying and he was really upset about what happened. And I woke up and I got a phone call from you. I'm like, okay, I'm coming over right now. He's calling me. I'm like, I don't know what is happening. There is a lot. I was like, what's wrong with you? I'm like, I'm like, I don't know. I and I even like knocked on the door before I came into your house because I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm walking into right now. Yeah. So that was bad. This is like the worst time. It was the worst one.

SPEAKER_02 25:51

Um, the fact that other people are involved. But could you imagine if you hadn't been here? I know. Uh it would have been so much worse. Um so now she's moving out. I'm gonna move out. I don't know. I'm just gonna let's just go to the marks. Come on over. Yeah. Why would I make my life harder?

SPEAKER_00 26:08

I know. You can't move that far away.

SPEAKER_02 26:10

No. No. I especially need to be close. So what got me teared up thinking was like, I let I let Johnny end for his own. Because what am I gonna do? Step in the line of fight. But then I was like, well, I wouldn't have let him come at you. I would have, but I feel bad I didn't.

SPEAKER_00 26:27

Honestly, I think that you were just in fight or flight mode at that moment. I know. And you have to protect yourself. And I know you did not do it to be nefarious towards Johnny. It was just that's your response. I let the kid go. I know. And then I turned on him and I got really mad.

SPEAKER_03 26:44

But I was like, why?

SPEAKER_02 26:47

We could have avoided maybe a little bit of this. And he just kept roaming around in all the rooms to like fuck with us. So bad.

SPEAKER_01 26:56

Anyway, let me tell you about Cyber. Yes. Oh my god, this guy is so dope.

SPEAKER_02 27:05

He's awesome. He's so fun. Oh, people can be fucking dope.

SPEAKER_00 27:09

Yeah, there's good people out in the world who will let you be you.

SPEAKER_02 27:13

Uh, Cyber and I went for a drive the other day. I mean, fucked by the river. Magical day right there. So while I'm getting my ass chewed out, I was like, just think about the river. Fucking other river. It was so dope. I mean, it's just it's a lovely experience. I'm feeling very grateful. Yeah. I was just getting it. No. The river is the least of things. Oh. Do you tell? You guys. I actually hate from sex like andercourse. I don't know if we can hear you. I actually orgasmed from andercourse.

unknown 27:54

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 27:54

No, it was a big fucking deal. I know. That's a really big deal. I know. But I can't come, but period. There's so many chemicals in this body that prevents me from having any feelings. The ones that I just choked up. That was a lot. So especially so now, okay. And he was like, that didn't seem very hard enough, did it? I think we can recreate that. This guy's daddy vibes are good. He's lovely. He's a good person. Is he baby girl yet?

SPEAKER_03 28:28

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

Game over when that happens.

SPEAKER_02 28:32

Game fucking over. Oh my goodness gracious, this individual is so great. Ladies, you want his number, I'll give it to you. Because he's amazing, and no one should gatekeep this man. He should procreate, not necessarily be a dad, but he should procreate amongst us in hopes that we will generate another generation of this. Okay, I don't know about that, but I'm just saying, like, fuck yeah, dude. Hi five. I did so fine. Go for a walk and you hold hands and then you come back, you smoke a little bit, and the smoking is what allows me to disconnect enough. My next goal is to try and do it without having to smoke and just have my body do it all on its own.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

Okay, yeah. You know, taper off a little bit at a time.

SPEAKER_02 29:23

So we'll see what that's gonna look like. Um, I'm still taking meetings. Yep. Networking. Yeah. Networking, you know, but now when you've got something great, you're like, well, you're not as great as great, so and your eyes are too far apart. And you're too old and you're stuffy. Stuck up, but I do love lunch. Um, let's see. Fills out a shirt, huh?

SPEAKER_04 29:50

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

Shouldn't meet your heroes. You shouldn't meet your heroes.

SPEAKER_00 29:55

Shouldn't converse with your heroes. Kind of ruins the magic. It ruined the magic. It's fun to think about should that be really hot because he's no access. Then you had full access, and you're like, just kidding. I'm good. I don't like it.

SPEAKER_02 30:10

I thought I did after pining for three years, but no.

SPEAKER_00 30:14

I know. Sometimes it's just better left that way.

SPEAKER_02 30:17

I know. Cause I was getting like tool vibes just sitting there.

SPEAKER_00 30:23

Yeah. And you're like, no, people don't treat me like that.

SPEAKER_02 30:27

They don't.

SPEAKER_00 30:27

No, you should treat me like the princess that I am, is what you should tell him.

SPEAKER_02 30:31

Um, I'm pretty m sure I did. Like, hey, put your phone away. Fucking listen to me. Yeah. Why are you on your phone? Like, what's better than what we're doing right now? One of my turnoffs is not listening. Let's that's just human decency. Because I'm a great conversationalist. Like, people tune in weekly to hear what I have to say. You've got me real life, and you choose to be what? Scrolling on some bullshit? I'm engaging with you. Do I think I'm an egomaniac? I do. But when we're all having a conversation, it's rude. Put your fucking phone away. You're not 12. Talk to me. Right. Don't try and get with me and then not listen to me. I don't care for that. Um, my ex-ro and ex-roommate did that. It should have been, well, that poor kid. That kid being me 20 years ago.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

You didn't know any better.

SPEAKER_02 31:23

I did not know any better. It's not my fault.

SPEAKER_00 31:25

Doing fun shit. You're on PJs, traveling. Every single person would have done the exact same thing. 100%. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:32

I don't, I can't feel. Hey, my new favorite sneakers are back.

SPEAKER_00 31:36

Oh, thank God. Thank God. This is one less thing I have to hear about all summer.

SPEAKER_02 31:42

I have a good sneaker shoe game right now, and I'm happy. I actually have a good sex game going on too. Doo doo doo doo doo. She's got the sperries. I've got the golas. Everybody's got what they want. Yeah. Um my sneaks. So I'm gonna move out. I'm so excited. And I was standing in the shower thinking, I will make the bedroom in the living room. And and the bedroom will be the studio, the closet. Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

The the office. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 32:09

I need that instead. I don't care about sleeping. I shouldn't be sleeping that much anyway.

SPEAKER_00 32:12

It'll be office slash closet. Yeah. That's what I did in one of our old apartments. The second bedroom was a closet slash office. Yeah. Yeah. That's perfect. Podcast recording studio. Oh my gosh, we're gonna have so much room.

SPEAKER_04 32:24

I know.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

Watch, we're like, oh my God. This studio apartment's so much better than the penthouse you were living in.

SPEAKER_00 32:31

Literally.

SPEAKER_02 32:34

Yeah. Well, domestic violence is my favorite charity. But uh it's hard knowing that people are standing in line next to Met Starbucks, whatever. And the night before what? They were tied up to a chair.

SPEAKER_00 33:01

You never know. So they're a bitch in line. Just think about that. They just got their hands untied, okay?

SPEAKER_02 33:13

Cyber must be eating spinach out of a can because this 12% body fat has recently had a shred like glow up.

SPEAKER_00 33:24

He saw your body and he's like, damn, I gotta step it up. There's no more steps to heaven. We're there.

SPEAKER_02 33:31

We have eventually reached your way to heaven has been crossed over. I wonder if people look at us and think, that's an attractive couple.

SPEAKER_00 33:39

Probably.

SPEAKER_02 33:40

I've never been in one of those before. I'm not even in a couple. I'm just saying, in the event that anyone saw us in public.

SPEAKER_00 33:45

Yeah, and when you look so good and you're very confident in yourself and you take care of yourself, you deserve to be with someone who looks just as good and cares just as much. You can get annoyed if that doesn't happen.

SPEAKER_02 34:00

It's challenging.

SPEAKER_00 34:02

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_02 34:08

You want to talk about it?

SPEAKER_00 34:09

Well, this is what happens usually. Okay, so maybe a few years ago, 2023 was the worst year of my entire life. And then it got better January 1st, 2024. Then I had glow up and I was working out more. Eventually, he catches up to me. It just takes a year for him to see the changes that I'm doing for him to want to catch up. I don't remember it that way. I started working out a lot more and then when you worked at a gym? Yeah, when I worked at a gym. Sure. So then a year after that, then he's like, oh, well, I think I'll start working out more. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

SPEAKER_02 34:43

I do remember that way. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 34:45

I'm still working out, but now I'm going out more and I want to be doing more, have more friends. It's going to take another year for him to catch up on that side, work out, have friends and work. I work a lot and I still make time for all the things. So I think it's he'll see me doing cooler things and then he'll catch up. So what are you gonna do? I guess I'm gonna wait it out.

SPEAKER_02 35:06

I mean, what can you do?

SPEAKER_00 35:07

I know.

SPEAKER_02 35:07

Literally nothing.

SPEAKER_00 35:08

Yeah. Literally nothing. And I told him the other night when we all went out, okay, we're supposed to have girls' night on Friday night. And that's your ring.

SPEAKER_02 35:14

Not that I don't want Do you want to hold hands? I do want to hold hands.

SPEAKER_00 35:18

When we were holding hands the other day for a minute. I know. Like, no, no, no. Oh, yeah, let me see.

SPEAKER_02 35:22

Championship ring.

SPEAKER_00 35:23

Yeah. Um, when we went out the other night, it was supposed to be girls' night, and then it turned into his coworker's party. Um, I was so mad. And then we're like beboping around and we're walking down the street and checking things out, and then we're doing this, we're doing that. I'm like, see, isn't it fun? Isn't it so fun to go out? He's like, Yeah, it's fun. And I'm like, isn't it fun? I'm like, this is what I want to be doing. I just want to like live a bigger life. I want to have more friends and meet more people. And he said, Yeah, that takes time. Have you met us? I know. I'm like, did you hear what I just said? I'm like, I don't even really compute your answer. What do you mean? What do you mean, time? What are you talking about? I know. I'm like, I think we're having two different conversations. What did you just hear? Because it wasn't about time. No, it wasn't. I said nothing about time.

SPEAKER_03 36:16

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_00 36:18

Um, so yeah, I was just annoyed with him all night when we went out. I'm just like, ugh. You might have been annoyed prior to that. Yeah, I think I was annoyed prior to that. I didn't like his outfit. Like, why are you wearing that shirt? Why does a shirt fit like that? Why are you wearing those shoes with those socks? Why did you not put effort in? Just everything about it. Then we went out and I was like, why are you standing so close to me? Why can't I go walk around and do something else?

SPEAKER_02 36:41

Why can't I spend the night out like you do?

SPEAKER_00 36:43

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 36:44

Oh, wait, no. What I can tell you is he crashed our girls' night.

SPEAKER_00 36:50

He did crash our girls' night. And it was like, well, if I don't invite him to girls' night, then he's gonna be mad. So then that's a whole other thing to deal with. So I'm like, okay, well, I guess if we bring the whole entire group, then we could kind of wander and do our own thing.

SPEAKER_02 37:06

His friend group is really work.

SPEAKER_00 37:09

Yes. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 37:10

And I and there's nothing wrong with that. They're a tight-knit group that has trauma bonded or over some difficult office situations. Yes. Whatever. I don't give a fuck. I'm around those people all the time and they're really nice, wholesome people. All they do is stand around. They are the nicest bunch of losers you've ever met. Okay, they're nerds. They're not nerds. They're nerds.

SPEAKER_00 37:33

They're a bunch of nerds, and they're so friendly and they're so kind. They're nice. Yeah. But they're not my friends.

SPEAKER_02 37:39

But I spend a lot of time with them because I don't have other friends. So I have to hang out with my friends when they're hanging out with other friends, and it just happened to be the first half of that night was with their loser dork work friends. They're really nice people. I'm saying this in jest.

SPEAKER_00 37:56

Yes. And my husband likes to be friends with his coworkers.

SPEAKER_02 37:59

So fucking much. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:02

I know.

SPEAKER_02 38:02

Like a lot. Like a lot. He wants it to be his life. Yes. Fine. Well, why can't you take your life and go somewhere else other than the girls' night that I was at? I I orchestrated a girls' night on a Friday night that took two girls from the suburbs to meet a fun, young, 27-year-old, young, hot, prime of her life downtown at a dance club. Do you know how hard it is to get three people, three different decades of ages, on a Friday night at a dance bar? Very hard. No one called out. No one said, I'm tired. No one said, Oh, I don't want to go. Are we still doing this? What time do you think we'll be mad? Nobody said anything except, let's fucking go. Our friend that we made, you did you reach out to her in a police?

SPEAKER_00 38:46

Oh my god. No, sorry.

SPEAKER_02 38:48

You really should do that to my friends. I'm having to remind my people to apologize to the people that I've brought them in. Yeah. Because like I kept saying all night we need to go meet my friend. And then, well, I didn't, but we blew her off. Yeah, no, I've totally fucked it up. Could you maybe acknowledge that? And then um, and then she was there, and then we weren't for these loser nerds. Who then like I'm only mad at them in the story. I'm not even mad at the friends, but it was like, who the fuck is not letting me be where I need to be? I don't answer to any of you people. What's taking so long? And then she was like, is it gonna be what and I was like, honestly, no, because husbands and like work friends have crashed it. So she's like, all right, then I'll drive to Thornton because that's where she lives.

SPEAKER_00 39:36

I see. Yeah. And like I wasn't really having fun.

SPEAKER_02 39:42

No, they fucking like don't oh, I'm so mad at these everybody except Cyber. Fair enough.

SPEAKER_00 39:50

No, it's not like that, but I'm just saying, like Yeah, I mean it was I was looking forward to a girl's night and like dancing and like going out to like a new place and doing all that jazz. And then that didn't happen. And then I was really annoyed.

SPEAKER_02 40:04

Well, yeah, and then I came home. Is that the night I came? Yeah. No. Oh, it was the fucking night I came. That was the night. We're getting our days confused. And this is why it was bad. Because when I either Johnny or my roommate called me as Lindsay was dropping me off from the bust of a girl's night out, I could hear it in their voices that they had been drinking. And they're like, when you and I I could hear them on the phone.

SPEAKER_00 40:29

I'm like, oh damn. You're just fucked up.

SPEAKER_02 40:32

And I was so like, okay, go ahead and just drop me off into the shitstorm of abuse I'm about to walk into. And your husband, he I didn't I don't he didn't mean anything, but it was so insensitive. He's like, good luck. Yeah. I was like, fuck you. You have no idea what I'm about to go into. It was so hurtful. And then the next morning he's like, fun night, huh? I was like, that's what he said to me yesterday. You did? Yeah. Oh. I know. The problem is with your husband being your husband, is sometimes he's my husband, and I'm like, I'm fucking mad at you right now.

SPEAKER_00 41:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 41:10

Hmm.

SPEAKER_00 41:11

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 41:12

But I just put my head down and didn't respond.

SPEAKER_00 41:16

I texted him before we came over. I was like, it's really bad. I just want to talk about it. So I'm like, don't ask her any questions.

SPEAKER_02 41:22

He's like, so fun night.

SPEAKER_00 41:25

Like, no. That's I said, when I say she doesn't want to talk about it, you say nothing.

SPEAKER_02 41:30

But like, oh, what I know what he was trying to do is like, let's talk about the portion of your evening that was fun. And I'm like, some people are insulated from incidences like this because they've never experienced something this bad. And so they remain innocent and they have no concept of what how bad it can be. Right. And he is such a ch youthful, innocent, like his innocence has been preserved, and he is still very much like grandma sends money in a card. Yeah. Daddy's gonna do this. And like there's always someone to come to his rescue, even though he's like not. And I was like, Yeah. I don't, yeah. You know, we're wrestling with a lot of topics today. All I want to do is get banged a lot more.

SPEAKER_00 42:23

Jesus Christ. Like restlessness is the name of the game. I don't know. And just fucked up shit.

SPEAKER_02 42:30

Yeah. So and so last night I told a couple, I'm like selectively trying to tell like customers or regulars that I know might be able to help me. And they're like, oh I'm like, no, honestly, I need this to happen. I really am very grateful. I can do hard things. This is a long time coming. How about I do it now before something gets worse? Um, but you know, he pulls the fucking dog card. Right. And oh, I can't believe you're giving up on them now. You know, they're 14 years old. Technically, they're 13. And I'm like, you don't even know it. Yeah, you don't even know your dogs that well.

SPEAKER_00 43:09

I say they're 14, so people think they look really good. 13? Oh, they look 13. 14 though.

SPEAKER_02 43:15

Oh, and I do it also because I also say I'm 50 because it's such a hard number for me to swallow that I've been practicing the first six months of this year. You know, I don't turn 50 until I'm January. Right. But it because turning 50 was it feels like a tough one to swallow.

SPEAKER_00 43:36

So he's like, oh my gosh, we can live even closer to each other. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 43:42

I just I would like to, if I could, a roommate would be helpful. Yes. I don't know who that's gonna be. But Johnny, are you sure you don't want to stay?

SPEAKER_00 43:49

Yeah, right? Dakota. Dakota. Your place would be very immaculately cleaned. There's only one room in there. Oh you have to move into a two-bed.

SPEAKER_02 44:02

Yeah. I mean, this is my reality now, but um I it doesn't matter. Nothing really matters on that.

SPEAKER_00 44:09

No, nothing really matters. And um yeah, you get a one-bed studio. I don't know, a one bed.

SPEAKER_02 44:17

Yeah, one bedroom.

SPEAKER_00 44:18

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 44:18

For the other things.

SPEAKER_00 44:19

Um, and the great thing is that we I think we have lots of travels in our future and we're you're going out about.

SPEAKER_02 44:25

It's fine.

SPEAKER_00 44:26

I don't care if the dogs, okay, you're home enough. Yeah, everybody's home enough. Everybody's home enough.

SPEAKER_02 44:33

And uh I'm just annoyed I have to keep coming back here.

SPEAKER_00 44:36

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 44:37

I don't want to be like, oh, because he always says these bullshit things. You know, it's better to be from a broken home than live in one.

SPEAKER_00 44:46

You better know where your bread's getting buttered. He also loves that one.

SPEAKER_02 44:53

He still he's like the farmer's almanac of like dumbass dad sayings. You're like, shut the fuck up. How about don't do drugs and drink and be abusive? Is that one? Do you have one for that? I feel like this episode should get us a Pulitzer Prize. Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_00 45:18

Help me. It's so dynamic. It is dynamic. It's just gonna get us a Pulitzer Prize. I don't know how much is a podcasting deal. Um well, it is time to go. Lindsay's got important things to do. Yeah, I do. Real important. I have this face card. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:38

Share time, your face. You can do whatever you want. Look at me looking at my phone. Don't serve time later.

SPEAKER_00 45:43

Okay, well, make sure you put this into the Emmy and Pulitzer Prize Grammy nomination wherever we get awards. And share this episode with all of your besties. Follow us at honestly smartless, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, or every year podcast. Give us five stars, tell us how hilarious we are, and we'll see you next time. Bye.