Salmon Jizz (REPLAY)

Spit or swallow? Eating babies, falling out of love, and get your butts checked.

**ORIGINAL AIR DATE 02/16/2026***

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey besties! Dr. Lindsay here. We are taking a little bit of a break this week because it's the holiday weekend coming up. We've got life to live, but we guarantee you that it will be worth a week off for the stories that we come back with next time. So enjoy this replay from February of 2026. Talking about salmon jizz on your face. Because what else would we be talking about? Bye.

SPEAKER_03 0:26

Why can't I swallow the salmon? Oh, it's okay for you to get a facial from the salmon, but I can't swallow the chits now. And what world is not okay for me to swallow?

unknown 0:40

Let's party.

SPEAKER_04 0:43

Hello, and welcome to this week's episode of Honestly Smartless. I'm Chelsea Toronto. And I'm Dr. Lindsay. And welcome.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Each week we're just two dumb girls chit-chatting away. Sometimes we're smart, always hilarious. I want to start this week with a PSA. Please. Get your butts checked. I'm listening. Two celebrities recently passed away from rectal cancer.

SPEAKER_02 1:07

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Yeah. James Vanderbeek. I know. It was really sad. I know. And Catherine O'Hara. She died from a pulmonary embolism, but it was a complication to her cancer.

SPEAKER_04 1:17

She looked very skinny at the end. I didn't know.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

You're like, she looks fabulous. Look at how skinny she is.

SPEAKER_04 1:23

No, no, no. Not at the end. No. She looked frail. I will have my get your butt checked. You better check your ass. When you're talking to me. So one of my yoga instructors, she's telling me about her 16-year-old daughter. Her softball coach wants her to gain 20 pounds. No shit. Why? In order to continue to play softball, you need to be heavy. They are big girls. So at the age of 16, this coach is like, if you really want to be serious, you need to gain additional 20 pounds. I'm not that serious. Her dad was like, can we talk about this for a second? Hang on. Oh, look who's a little sunny girl in here. Did you want to come up here? She's giving you the look. Oh my gosh, they're both in here.

unknown 2:23

Come on.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

Come on, I'll hold you. Oh no.

SPEAKER_04 2:28

Okay. So dad is like, Hi, can we maybe talk about this? And mom's like, no. Body positivity and whatever speaks to you, I think you should embrace this. Coming from a skinny ass mom. I was like, it seems extreme. That seems really extreme for a high school sport. Is she planning on going pro? I don't know. But at 16, does anyone know? No. And like, what are the odds? You don't know your career in sports. What's the difference? If it's a guy or a girl, you gotta gain 20 pounds if you want to play. I think it's negligent. 170 then? She's gonna be 170.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

Okay, well, hopefully she's muscular and she's not fat. When they say put on 20 pounds, they're talking muscle. She must not be strong enough.

SPEAKER_04 3:17

I don't know. I didn't love it. And I we weren't necessarily seeing eye to eye on it. However, what we were seeing eye to eye on, she's like, oh one of my students came to me and was like, hey, I think I saw Chelsea at ballet. She's the one with the podcast, right? Mm-hmm. She's like, Do you know? I was like, no, I I didn't know anyone in ballet. We had a big time them. I was like, that's a dream, and you might call it a wet one because holy shit. So there's that. Hey, Lindsay, do you have any cozy critter stories to tell us this week? I don't know. Do I? I think you do. Oh, I do.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

I got a facial yesterday. And part part of the facial and the microneedling is that you get part of a salmon put on your face. Do you know what part of the salmon you get put on your face? No. Sperm. I got salmon jizz all over my face yesterday. And then she like needles it in so it really penetrates deep. Trying to fill in the pores. There's no plan B for this. It just has to take. She kept on saying, I'm gonna put salmon DNA on your face. Okay, are you okay with the salmon DNA? I was like, are you saying that you're putting salmon sperm on my face?

SPEAKER_04 4:45

She was like, Yeah, yeah, I am. Lindsay called me. She's like, so I have salmon juice on my face. And then I was thinking about it. I was like, huh. How do they get the sperm out of the salmon? That's not what I was. That's what I'm thinking. All these like Great Hills ladies who are using salmon sperm, I just see them giving little salmon handjobs. Exactly. I'm like catching it in a cup. All of a sudden there's an influx of rich ladies going fly fishing.

SPEAKER_03 5:23

These lady retreats where you go fish for your own salmon at night in the cabin with your personal chef.

SPEAKER_04 5:30

You're just giving them little hand jobs. Yeah, I actually ordered my own saltwater tank, and I now am the proud owner of two salmons. You're like as it projectiles, you like catch it on your face.

SPEAKER_00 5:50

And their sperm is so cute. It's pink.

SPEAKER_04 5:52

Like how adorable. You think it's salmon dyed pink? Yeah, I don't. No. Okay, in my mind, the jizz comes out pink because that's what makes it so cute. Okay, I don't want to ruin that for you. But I feel like the salmon is dyed pink. Like, do they dye the sperm? Maybe that dye penetrates their little salmon skin.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

Probably, but I'm gonna choose to believe that it just comes out pink and pretty. And the salmon are choosing to share their jizz with the world to reverse age the ladies of Cherry Hills.

SPEAKER_04 6:28

So every day I call you, and I'm like, hey, so I have salmon jizz on my face. Couldn't maybe one just take I don't know, krill oil? No. Why not? It's not the same. In what world is it not the same? That's oil and this is jizz. Fish oil you ingest? Uh-huh. Well, uh, the fish oil is more omega-3 and it's a fatter molecule. Okay, that's baloney because you can take omega 3s.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

Yeah, but I'm saying the molecules of the omega-3 and omega-6 are too big to penetrate into your skin. Like if you put it on topically, it's not really gonna soak in.

SPEAKER_04 7:07

What if you ingest it? Well, yeah, then you're like building it from the inside out. Yeah. So couldn't I just swallow some jizz?

SPEAKER_03 7:16

No, I don't think so. Why can't I swallow them? Oh, it's okay for you to get a facial from the salmon, but I can't swallow the jizz. In the world, it's not okay for me to swallow the salmon on the heart all of your face. She's literally getting salmon facials that I can't swallow. When I jerked them off, he didn't care. I swallowed it.

SPEAKER_04 7:43

If I cut it with my eyes. If I cut it with my face, he's like, it's worth more on your face.

SPEAKER_02 7:49

Don't swallow it.

SPEAKER_03 7:52

And then you eat him. Respectfully, I don't dry him out.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

There's nothing left to give.

SPEAKER_04 8:18

Their hair is better than mine because I won't eat the skins. Now we sound like the people who eat babies. Maybe they know something we don't. They look pretty good. I think they do. They're reverse aging. I think it's like the baby skin flood under a chicken leg there. A little fatty. What's the deal with that?

SPEAKER_00 8:40

With eating babies? Yeah. Um, I think they actually take their blood or something and drink the blood.

unknown 8:48

What?

SPEAKER_00 8:50

I think this is what they do. You like take out all the blood from your own body or as much as you can, and then you take the baby's blood and like put it into your body, so then you have like fresh baby blood. Not a toxin in sight.

unknown 9:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:07

And then I don't know, they barbecue up their legs and eat them later. Oh. Okay. So the question I have is as long as they've been doing this, we've been hiding it. It's always been a cover-up, but in the back of our minds, we've just assumed they were doing something nefarious, just like this. Where do we go from here? Like, what other horrible, deplorable things are they doing? They're like, oh, we need to hide this from society because we're a secret cult. Oh, well, then I think it's a secret cult of vampires.

SPEAKER_03 9:38

And in the middle of the night. Today's episode is.

SPEAKER_04 9:52

And any which way forward they can get it, then they're robbing the plasma banks. But like, what else is worse than eating babies? Hmm. To keep yourself young or just in general. Just in general. Oh. Seriously. Like we we've discovered, quote unquote, that they have rituals and they sacrifice. But like what else is worse than this? Well, is the sacrificing the baby worse? Like what eating the baby? I just feel speaking of Jiz, I feel like this this current environment, but I feel like they blew their load by releasing all this information about the abuse of ch against children and like the blood sacrifice. But what else is there? Like, what else? What other bad things are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 10:43

Hmm. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 10:45

Yeah. I don't know. They're in like some satanic cult and they pray to the devil and they sold their soul. But is there anything worse than that? Is there anything worse? I mean, probably not. What can be worse? That's what I'm wondering. Sacrificing animals? Nah. They love animals. They don't give a fuck about babies. Um, they do not like children. They hate children more than you do. Oh wow. I feel sorry for everyone out there around the child. You're like, all right, I'll say okay. She's fine. It was either that I wonder if you have adoption clinics in there farmed out. Oh, just like farming out babies? Yeah, like, hey, I'm giving my baby up for adoption. Oh, and you get paid a million dollars. No, I well, yeah, sure, you're getting paid forty thousand dollars, but then are they really going to a family? Or are they going to your local politicianslash celebrity?

SPEAKER_03 11:40

They're robbing the baby face. I haven't talked to you.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

I just picture like this politician, old white man, is sitting at his mahogany desk in his office. There's leather pump books.

SPEAKER_04 11:57

You're not allowed to come in without knocking on the door. It's like, father, father, we have a fresh one. And they like roll in the old timey like crib.

SPEAKER_02 12:09

Does this meet your standard?

SPEAKER_04 12:12

What's the fat content on that one?

SPEAKER_00 12:14

They're pretty fatty. And then like nurse comes in and there's an IV hooked up to the baby, and then it's hooked up to the old white man.

SPEAKER_04 12:24

I feel like it's a possibility. At this point, anything is possible. Yeah. And then later on they have that delicacy for dinner and a stew. What about baby jizz? Babies can't have jizz. Why not? Because their balls haven't dropped yet. They haven't made any sperm yet. I thought that was just dog.

unknown 12:45

Their balls haven't dropped.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

That's what you need to say. I don't, I don't know. I act like I know. I'm like, I think that's what I said the other day. If your vocal cords don't develop as a man, it's like, yeah, because your balls never dropped.

SPEAKER_04 12:57

Well, sure, I've heard that in jest. Uh-huh. Could you give them a baby blowjob? Like a baby hand job?

SPEAKER_00 13:04

Who? No, ew.

SPEAKER_04 13:05

That's so wrong.

SPEAKER_00 13:06

No.

SPEAKER_04 13:07

But they do it. Yeah, they do.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

If they could do it, they're sitting in a baby. Kinda.

SPEAKER_04 13:13

Well, it's right up there. It's like neck and neck there. They're necking neck. It's just so bad. Oh god. That was like baby porn, like you. Oh no. It's like, what's worse than no, it's not porn is like mainstream. What's worse than like B uh, what's BDSM? Yeah. Baby BDSM.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Their little like tiny mask. Their little tiny whip. With the ball in their mouth. The ball is a pacifier.

SPEAKER_04 13:46

No, yeah. Yeah, they're like sucking out like a pacifier. Like, they have the leather chains across their face, but instead of a red ball, it's a pacifier.

SPEAKER_03 13:55

It's a red pacifier. Oh shoot.

SPEAKER_02 14:02

Oh boy. Golly wins.

SPEAKER_04 14:07

Yikes, right? I'm just wondering. Like, this is it. What else is left in those files?

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Oh, you know how like peptides are the hot new thing? Glutathione, NAD plus, whatever, whatever. I'm like, where are you getting those from?

SPEAKER_04 14:23

The babies. The babies. The babies that have been given up for adoption. Yeah. They're like, that's baby just. They've got the plastic gloves up to their elbows with the plastic sheets, and they're just with the what's that saw? And on the market, you can buy legs or an arm. The torch. One finger at a time. Nom nom nom. It's like shrimp cocktail. Oh, shout out to Catherine O'Hara from Beetlejuice because there was that shrimp cocktail.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

I don't know that one.

SPEAKER_04 15:01

Oh, you don't even know the movie. I don't know the movie. This movie was a cult classic. No, it was scary. I didn't like it. We were obsessed. I was just old enough to not be scared. Yeah, because we the heebie jeebies. Yeah, again, it wasn't. You weren't old enough to. I wasn't old enough. It was everything. Oh, my father and I loved it because Harry Belafonte and that one scene where the shrimp cocktail comes out, grabs him by the face.

SPEAKER_03 15:30

Oh my god. And then they're dancing.

SPEAKER_04 15:32

Oh, like, Dio.

SPEAKER_03 15:35

It was a classic. It was so good.

SPEAKER_04 15:37

Oh, wow. Okay. Somebody feels the same way I do about this. Yes, they do. I don't they're listening right now. And they're like, yeah, no, it was good. We liked it. Okay. Have you been watching the Olympics? No, not really. I saw the highlight reels. Okay, you know Jake Paul? Yeah. The YouTuber? Yeah. I like how Tom Brady emasculated him. I know. That was great. He needed a little beatdown. I love that Tom did it too. What did he say? He's like, well, you're not really an athlete. He's like, yes, I am. He's like, well, you're not really an athlete. Hmm. Um, okay, Jake Paul's fiancé. Her name is Jetta. Yes, I did see that. That she won something. She's an Olympic speed skater. Isn't that incredible? That is wild. Yeah. Your local influencer can be an Olympic medal winner. I don't know why we don't talk about her more often. I didn't really know she existed. He won't let her in the limelight. He's like, pushes her away. He's like, this is about me. Sounds like my ex when he wouldn't let me speak in public. No, there's nothing to see here. She adds no value. I was like, that's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. I did see that. She's so pretty. She is pretty. That's probably why he married her. You don't see a lot of really pretty Olympic athletes. That is true. They probably told her to gain an additional 20 pounds. And she was like, no, to be more aerodynamic, I think I'll stay skinny. Uh-huh. But softball, you're a big burly girl. You are not skinny. What if can't you be strong and skinny? I don't know. Those. Apparently not. Apparently not. Maybe she's a catcher. She's got to be big. I know my catcher of my salmon juice. I wonder how much I'm gonna order more sandwiches. It's gonna be like the amount of caviar. Why don't you just eat caviar or break up? That's what it is. That's what it is. You just squish them, but that's very expensive. I imagine well, you don't think about those manufactured salmon sperm. I wonder if you cut it up in the salmon, the sperm would be in there already. And you just scoop it up. Like papaya. Oh, we should try it. Like put some caviar and see what happens. Well, or just take the salmon, like a whole salmon, and you open it up and maybe in the testicles. Okay, I'm gonna go to Whole Foods and be like, Do you have a whole salmon on you? I really need you to fillet it and I need to see. We'll just do it together at home and then be like, where? We'll YouTube it to see where does Sam live. Sam, Sam, Sam's firm look. Where does salmon live? Okay, yes, Jake Paul's wife is really pretty, and I'm happy that she won a medal. Same. For once she's in the spotlight. I know.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

And then did you see that other loser from Norway?

SPEAKER_03 18:23

No, I didn't. She made it to the Olympics. You're at third place, you fucking loser.

SPEAKER_04 18:32

Try harder.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

He won third place in cross-country skiing. It's not even a real sport. And at his acceptance speech on the podium or at the press conference, he apologized to his girlfriend of a few months for cheating on her. He's like, I'm doing social suicide. Take me back. I'm so sorry. It's the worst mistake of my life. I'm so sorry I cheated on you. And she responded, like, no.

SPEAKER_04 18:56

Good. Good. It's like loser. Yeah. Talk about loser. What about that guy from South Africa with the paperclip legs who accidentally, in quotation marks, shot his girlfriend through the door. I thought it was a robber, so I just kept on shooting. I feel like when you're an Olympic athlete, you can do anything you want. Oscar something. Psoriasis or something's got no legs.

SPEAKER_03 19:24

And that motherfucker, he's like limping along.

unknown 19:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 19:29

He's kind of cute, though. He was handsome. Yes, he was. Loser. Well, that's why your face was good. Oh my gosh, who was I gonna tell you? Somebody's claim to fame. They were saying their mom partied with one of the men the not a Mennonite. No on the Menendez brothers. Oh. Which one? The cute one. Oh, nice. The cute one. Uh huh. I was she's like, yeah, my mom did say he was kind of cute. She said, um, my mom kind of said he didn't seem crazy at the time. Was this before he killed his parents or after? Before. Well, that's fun. I know. So close to a killer. Well, then I was like, well, my claim to fame is I walk by OJ Simpson. At the base of Vale Mountain, there's that little Mexican restaurant. And I walk by him. My boyfriend at the time was I was like, oh my gosh, there he is. Let's not go. He's like, don't worry about it, Chelsea. He only hurts the ones he loves.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

Hiya, Mark safe.

SPEAKER_04 20:31

He's like, don't worry about it. He doesn't want you.

SPEAKER_00 20:33

Oh wow. There's this other sport. It's not an Olympic sport yet, but maybe someday it will be. And the sport is called run it straight. Okay. So you have these grown men, one-on-one, grown 300-pound men running from 10 yards away, and then they just bam.

SPEAKER_04 20:58

It's like the Renaissance Festival. Jousting. Oh yeah. Just like jousting with like no body armor, no like tools at all. Just like BAM. I think they lead with their bellies. Because otherwise your noggin's gotta hurt. Oh, yeah. I saw a guy get knocked out cold. Yeah, you gotta lead with your belly. But like an idiot came off with this. Like, you guys are so stupid. And then they eat baby legs when they're done. Look at this chicken leg. A lot of baby legs for that much mass. Oh the amount of CTE happening from that support. Seriously. Yeah. They're like, NFL, we don't have time for you. We got these, we got these losers over here. These knuckles. I wonder how much they're getting paid. Not enough. $65,000 a year. I left my full-time job to get paid $65,000 a year to get knocked out. That's not enough. Yeah. Health insurance and dental. Okay. Oh, the coolest thing happened to yoga. There's a challenge this month, 20 or 30, and I chose to do 20. I'm gonna have to do two a day here because coming up real quick. Okay, so once you kind of get into the habit, it takes some of the luster out of it. People who go maybe two or three times a week, you go, you think you're going into a sacred, specifically yoga sculpt. So high energy, a little bit of yoga to stretch, but then we're weights, high intensity, very cardio based. So these people are coming in and they're quiet on their mat, and blah blah blah. Well, slowly people started bringing in their phones, just watching their phones before they do, but whatever, okay? Because in my mind, it's just a workout class. Thank you. So what I'm doing is I'm walking in with a full sweat outfit and my Bose headphones. And people think I'm nuts. But then it dawned on me. I'm like, no, I am just a gym girly. Because that's what gym girlies wear when they go to that is what gym girlies wear. I've converted you to a gym girly. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, oh, I'm not, I'm just out of place here. Oh my god, I'm like so influential. Oh gosh. Oh my gosh, have we not established that along? Look at me. I'm not real because of you. There's nothing real on my body. Thanks to you. I did your hair, I did your makeup. Not only that, my nails aren't real, my hair's not real, my eyelashes aren't real, nothing. My weight. Okay. Morphedia. So yes, you've you've influenced now infiltrated core power and make it a workout space. And I don't know nothing. I don't necessarily like the music they're using to get us hyped up. Or there's so much noise, so much chatter. I want to get in the zone before we get started. I mean, I look like a weirdo, but whatever. So now I'm dropping my mat, dropping my keys. I'm like, let's be honest, this isn't really a yoga class. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:09

Okay, that's not the point.

SPEAKER_04 24:11

So I'm getting ready. I keep my headphones on until the end. Well, the funny thing is sometimes a teacher will be in there. I don't even know. Oh, it started.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

Because then I'm still listening to the count of Monte Cristo on my headphones.

SPEAKER_02 24:42

I'm right. I'm right.

SPEAKER_04 24:48

There's like thirty-eight hours left.

SPEAKER_03 24:50

It's a full-time job right there. Okay, that's not the point of this story, but it it is accurate. Oh god.

SPEAKER_04 25:01

But this is what I have to say. I always take notice of the men that come in. There's only like two or three, and especially if they're hot. I'm just like, thank you. I mean, it's fun to look at them, but what's also as exciting is to see that men are starting to catch on that this really is a workout. Not that I need men's approval, but I would love to see like a you know somewhat equal amount of people come in. Anyway, turns out the guy that came in was my ex's best friend. Ooh, like legitimately his best friend. And you've met him. I have met him. So it's his best friend.

SPEAKER_00 25:37

When's the last time you have seen said best friend?

SPEAKER_04 25:40

We were in a car together. Oh yeah. Three years ago. Yeah. Okay, so I see him and I was I kind of waved. But I had my my hoodie on, my sweatpants on. You can literally see like maybe your eyeballs. Right. And I wave and I didn't get a response. So then I was like, fuck that. I'm gonna be like Lindsay and just not care. Yeah. I know. Okay. But it is my initial reaction to wave at people I know. Okay. So I did that. That makes me very uncool. The problem is I'm actually creeping my way closer to the mirror because I am good. But now I am thinking not so much about core power, but I'm thinking about how does this look for ballet? Oh. A lot, because I'm like, I'm looking at my leg placement, I'm looking at my extension, I'm looking at all of those things. And so that same yoga teacher is trying to shame me. They're like, you don't have to flick that foot and you don't have to stretch that long. And when you're doing a forward fold, it's weird if your legs are straight. And I'm like, just let me live. So his best friend is there with a girlfriend. Well, I'm crushing it. Duh. And I'm not looking in that direction. I'm like taking it seriously, and I'm done. And as soon as the class is over, I throw all my stuff back on. I throw my headphones on. And the music was so loud. I'm like, how can anybody find this relaxing after a hard workout? Um I'm not paying attention. You're being cool. I'm being a true cool girl. I'm not trying.

SPEAKER_03 27:28

I know. I felt like it was a real girls moment, okay?

SPEAKER_04 27:32

I'm putting my weights away and I see someone out of the corner of my eye like waiting to talk to me. This does happen a little bit these days. Yeah. And he's like, huh, Dulcy, hi. And I'm like, oh, hey, Brad. Do you go here? He's like, I thought that was you. I just I didn't know. And I was like, oh yeah, yeah. It's like normally we go to DTC, but the timing didn't work out, so we came over here. I was like, well, that's great. Well, I'll see you around sometime, okay? One of two things is gonna happen. He's gonna go straight to my ex and tell him. Be like, she's a beast. She's very good, right? And then my ex is gonna say, Oh, I heard from Brad they saw you in class and that you're very good. And I'm gonna be like, I fucking have been telling you my whole life. Or he's not gonna say anything, and I'm not gonna say anything. Because normally I would tell him literally everything. So again, I'm being a cool girl by not saying anything. That's right. Mm-hmm. You walked away. You're busy, you got places to be. And I just get my mouth shut. That's right. I know. I'm like, holy shit. I know that's the real growth moment right there. That's the growth moment and not seeking that guy out. Uh-huh. Yeah, no. He's so doughy. Steve, what's there to seek out? Oh, there's nothing. Because he was this heartthrob in college, and he was so buff, and he's 6'4, and he has a pretty face. But he's getting older, as we all are. But his life choices include going to bars and drinking. Maybe he's happy with his girlfriend. Oh, he has a new girlfriend every six weeks. And that's fine. I love that for him. I would literally do the same thing. That's cool. Get it. At this point, I see how cool that is. It's a real flex. But it's like, well, this is what I do for fun. I'm you know what I mean? Like Yeah, and like wait, like big time him. I know. So the question is, do you think, let's put some money on this. Do you think my ex is gonna come back and be like, hey, I heard? No. Probably not. No. Because he doesn't like to celebrate my wins.

SPEAKER_00 29:47

No. Does he? Um no. I don't think so.

SPEAKER_04 29:52

Speaking of gambling, do you know that people are betting on like current events? Yeah, that's so fun. It's on um Calci is the app. Which uh current events are you thinking of? Um Well, I mean let me think. What's happening in the world? When is Savannah Guthrie's mom gonna be found? Well, that's a different thing, and that's a hot topic of mine, but I that somebody was saying that people place bets on the Venezuelan president. Oh. And they were right about what? Him being uh thrown out of power.

SPEAKER_00 30:32

And they were actually you know, we should we should be taking bets on. Who's gonna be named in the Epstein files?

SPEAKER_04 30:38

No one.

SPEAKER_00 30:39

Everyone.

SPEAKER_04 30:40

Literally, yeah. To the point where you're like, you're kind of a loser if you weren't in those. I know. I'm like, you didn't take a photo with him? Like, where were you? Seriously. Um all right, this is what I have to say about Savannah Guthrie's mom. Okay, okay, it's not so much about mom or Savannah. I don't know. I don't know what that it's really weird. Who wants an 80-year-old bag of bones? That's your choice. But you know what I could say is those girlies who love true crime documentaries. What the fuck? Sorry, but what are you doing? I think you guys are a bunch of losers. I I think you guys are phony baloneys. Chime in here. What do you have to say? Because, like, oh, we love true crime documentaries. We love going to sleep, listening to women, getting hacks off. We love it. That's what we race home in our comfy sweats and our snacks. Well, why the fuck don't you solve this real one? Maybe they're working on it. Are they though?

SPEAKER_00 31:38

You guys are smart and behind the scenes. No, I feel like maybe that's a smart part of it. They're not putting all their cards on the table. They can't let the guy know that they know. Who's the guy? The guy in the mask. The guy in the mask at the door.

SPEAKER_04 31:52

We're coming for you. Yeah. Masked man. You're getting it. Maybe they're working behind the scenes. They're very smart. And by they, I mean us. Yeah, I follow some people who are giving me a minute by minute update. Who I wanna, who are they?

SPEAKER_00 32:07

I'll tell you later.

SPEAKER_04 32:08

Why can't you tell me? Because it's private.

SPEAKER_00 32:11

It's private.

SPEAKER_04 32:12

Private. It's private really exclusive club. I want to be in on this. How am I not in on this? Okay, but I just I'm like, come on, you guys. This is our moment. Show them what we're capable of.

SPEAKER_00 32:26

Okay, you know what's gonna happen in a couple days? Those girly pops are gonna circle back around and be like, we know who it is.

SPEAKER_04 32:32

No, actually, the FPI is gonna be like, we know who it is, and then they'll like point to the girly pops at the true crime, and they'll be like, actually that is. You know, those moms they will, because they're gonna be like 50 grand for uh some tips.

SPEAKER_00 32:46

So if you go to have any tips, you want to share them, like send to us, and then we can like.

SPEAKER_04 32:49

Well, you remember those moms that were like PIs? Yeah. Where are those? Like dog the bounty hunter and his female squad. No one cares as much when it's an old lady. I sure as shit wouldn't. Like, fine. Well, she was like in bad health and it's old. She doesn't have her insulin. And Savannah, your hair color's killing me. That yellow is not aging. I'm so sorry. Isn't it amazing what TV magic can do? She looks stunning every day on the today show. That's because they're freshening up her hair on a weekly. It is the wrong color. I know. When I put the lighting on the today show, that's the color. It's TV blonde. Yeah, that's a good point. It's like that Colorado blonde. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

Yeah. I know.

SPEAKER_04 33:32

Not us. Not us. Look at those luscious brunette locks. Someone's like, oh, you dyed your hair black. I'm like, sad. It's just my natural color. And your hair looks so good. I know. I text my hair girl. I was like, my hair looks so good. She's like, so sad. She's like, thanks for trying again. We love our hair girl.

SPEAKER_03 33:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:01

But we have unlock.

SPEAKER_04 34:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:03

Yeah. Can I tell you something? I think we've been thinking about OnlyFans all wrong.

SPEAKER_04 34:08

I'm listening.

SPEAKER_00 34:09

Okay. So I stumbled upon this middle-aged. So it come across your desk, Lindsay. It did. It came across my desk.

SPEAKER_04 34:21

My secretary pushed it across the desk and said, look at this. Lindsay, I think you really need to get your eyes on this one.

SPEAKER_00 34:29

It is a middle-aged, overweight, British lady who has an OnlyFans. And what she does on OnlyFans is that she opens up the oven. She cranks up the oven and opens it up and closes it. She cranks up the thermostat to 100 degrees. And people love her turning the thermostat. She said people are getting off on me being able to afford turning on the heat really high and wasting heat in the oven.

SPEAKER_04 34:54

We're just dumb. Yeah. We're just not smart enough. We're not smart enough to think of the dumbass shit. Oh what about putting shit on your toothbrush? Yeah. I put too much on.

SPEAKER_00 35:08

See, I don't put enough.

SPEAKER_04 35:09

No, you don't. I saw the way you put it on. Yeah. I don't put it on like that. How do you put it on? I don't know. I need to show you. I put on like a little dab. I put on way too much. You kind of I put on a dab and kind of like cut it off. I saw that just moments ago. I was like, what? Yeah, because I don't want it hanging from the tube. I want a clean cut. I bet you do. I like it dirty and stinky. And then like toothpaste all over the place. Oh wow. Can I say speaking of putting on things, things all over the place? I am so tired of thinking about you twice a day. Every time I put my goddamn bra on, I think of you. And I'm like, I don't want to think about you right now. Because when I can't because when I can't hook it two or three times. I'm like, Lindsay just does it around the front and then twists it. And I'm like, I'm not doing that. Why? It's so much easier. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 36:10

I won't do it.

SPEAKER_04 36:11

It's so much easier. Just trust me. I'm like, why? I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't think about you as much. You wouldn't. You would just have it on. Done. I know. It's fine. I still understand why people do it like that. Oh, and British folks, my bot is so sad. Your bot is still liking our stuff. I know. Because I wasn't mean to our bot, but my bot came back and was like, I just want to tell you, I am kind of heartbroken that you thought I was a bot. I'm a real person. And if you want to, we can we can FaceTime tomorrow. I told him, I was like, Well, I miss you. And he's like, I miss you too. And I was like, okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:52

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 36:53

Poor guy. Yeah. Because the talk about AI.

SPEAKER_00 36:56

All the bot has to do is be like, I'm so sorry. You thought I was a bot.

SPEAKER_04 37:00

Well, it's okay. I like the fact that they came back with that like fat ass slob. It's like, no, I know. You're so kind. And I really wish it had worked out and that you were a real boy.

SPEAKER_00 37:10

Yeah, but you're not. You're not.

SPEAKER_04 37:12

You can't have that happening. I want to know what they really look like. I don't know. They they seem to post a photo every once in a while just to be like the same photo. I know. It's like they just take that head and the angle. Mm-hmm. Just like, well, just you'll see him on the Epstein files next. That'd be so cool. Then I'd be like, all right, let's go out. Let's chat. What you saw. That's interesting. Yeah. I have walked by. I have walked by Epstein's residence. Oh. You were there. She's in the files. That'd be so cool. I walk by on the sidewalk. Because you did live close to that children's school. In Florida? No, in New York City. Oh. There's like an elementary school like around the corner. Well, that's convenient. Shuttle them under the tunnel. Door dashed over. Literally. What else you got in there?

SPEAKER_00 38:10

Well, I think we're in the wrong business for a side hustle.

SPEAKER_04 38:14

Well, of course we are.

SPEAKER_00 38:16

I know. Can't figure out OnlyFans. So dumb. The new side hustle are vending machines.

SPEAKER_04 38:22

I feel like it used to be laundromats, and now people are really into vending machines. I feel like people have been into vending machines for a minute.

SPEAKER_00 38:28

But now they're trying to pass this new tax law or something where if you kind of are like making okay money, but like not really good money, there's a tax break in between. So they're like, buy like six vending machines. You're gonna pay less than your taxes. I went down this whole rabbit hole of how to save money on my taxes by buying vending machines. By the end, I was like, should I buy a vending machine? I know a guy.

SPEAKER_02 38:53

Jesus. Shit. You can finance it for $600 a month.

SPEAKER_04 39:00

Chelsea, you haven't done your taxes in a minute.

SPEAKER_02 39:04

Let's look at some options for you.

SPEAKER_04 39:06

Let's get you the vending machines. Yeah. And if you put underwear in there, you would select dirty socks. Oh my gosh. Oh, I have to get back to my sock guy. Okay, so I told you, walk around in a hot, sweaty for 12 hours and oh, you're gonna rake it up.

SPEAKER_00 39:23

Well, the issue was that the sock guy he wanted a photo or like a minute-long video of the bottom of my feet. And this was when I did not have time to do that. I was like, I don't have time to do that. He's like, I need it now. I was like, no, you don't. And I was like, I don't have good lighting. He's like, Yeah, you do. I was like, no, I don't. Like, you can wait. And then I never heard from him ever again.

SPEAKER_04 39:41

They're so demanding. So demanding. But he's gonna pay me like almost 100 bucks for a pair of socks. Almost. Yeah. I'll circle back. Does he pay for your shipping? Yes. And handling? Yeah, that includes the shipping and handling.

SPEAKER_00 39:52

My admin time, time for lost wages. I mean, I'm at a gym every day, like you can have my socks every day.

SPEAKER_04 40:01

Every day. Just like, did you specif specify what kind? He prefers a crew sock. And I said, Well, I like an ankle sock.

SPEAKER_00 40:09

And he's like, How about a no-show? I was like, no. An ankle sock. Those are expensive. I know.

SPEAKER_04 40:14

And I was like, and also I need to buy them in bulk from Amazon, so you need to buy those. Yeah. Here's my address. No. No, just send me the money and I'll do it. So I think I'll circle back because, like, why not get a hundred bucks? Well, I don't know. Why not? Starbucks right there. Um, speaking of feet, I have a new pair of sneakers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's like breaking news. I also have a new pair of sneakers. Okay. Side note, I'm thinking about something very serious, Lindsay. And you're the first person, you and everybody listening. I'm thinking about switching the side, my my the part, my hair on my head. Oh. Let me get from feet to the part in your head. I just wanted to say it before I forgot. Okay. Let me get back to shoes. No, let's go to the part. I'm thinking about changing the side of my part. Um, I think if you wear it on either side, it works for you. Yeah. You'd like a side part. Oh no, I'm not giving that up. Yeah. I just I'm gonna I'm gonna put it on the right side. Why? I don't like how this is sitting these days. Oh. Because of my new Oh, when I have my extensions done. Um obviously she took it out for split second. I put uh wanted to see the thickness of my ponytail, much thicker than I thought.

SPEAKER_02 41:44

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 41:47

It was it and it's long, and it was like okay, good. Yeah, yeah. I was like, okay. Okay, shoes. So I have these new pair of shoes, and I'm trying to get them to be a certain way. I just want to be able to slide them on. Oh, okay. So I have been geeking the tightness of the shoelaces. So I spent I spent how many, how many hours have you spent trying to get the shoe? We are in the hour range. Oh, jeez. Okay. I'm like, why is this so hard? So, and they're not quite slip-on yet. So I'm like, okay, well, that's because they're hot and snowy right now. But like, I just want to be able to put my foot in and go. Well, I'm getting closer every day. So now I'm gonna cut those, bada. Well, I was at yoga the other day, and I was under the impression everything was set and it was good to go. You know, you put your shoes on after class and it wasn't. And I was like, So now I'm having a straight up meltdown. Of course you are. Yeah, of course you are.

SPEAKER_03 42:58

And I'm on my hands and knees trying to loosen this up because I'm like, I'm gonna get this to work. What are you supposed to do in time? So now there's a lady waiting for me to move because her shoes are moving. I'm like, I'm like, dude.

SPEAKER_00 43:15

If there's one thing that you don't already know about Chelsea, is that at any minor slight inconvenience to her, there is a meltdown. Literally, it took 0.0000 one more second to get her shoe back on. I'm like, motherfucker. Fuck these shoes. I'm buying new ones. I'm gonna go home without shoes on. Like, fuck this.

SPEAKER_04 43:40

I know you're close to doing that. I didn't know. I was, yeah, I was. I did. So now I'm getting closer. Look, it's kind of loose.

SPEAKER_00 43:49

You know what is interesting is that you have the daintiest little narrow feet, and it takes you that long. And when I buy shoes, I take them right out of the box. I never even untie them, I just slide them.

SPEAKER_04 44:00

Run to my foot. I can't. Maybe because these are leather, leather bound books. It has a leather-bound-bound baby. They frame it. They're like, they slide. I don't know. I just want to be able to slide it in. I'm like, is it this? How much looser does this? It is killing me. The week that I was gone, you didn't figure it out. Oh, yeah. Meltdown over the shoes. Yeah. Lindsay's like, what current meltdowns did we have while I was out of town? There's more exciting things than there were mountains to report. Thank God. I know there's new clothes to be bought, so that's more exciting. I know I bought those jeans. They are sick as shit. And they were only $100. And I was like, I'm buying new clothes because I don't party and my only friend is out of town. And I deserve a sweet treat I can wear. That's right. Yeah. And I bought a henley, which was dumb. The one you're wearing? No. Oh. The exact same thing, but a short sleeve one. Okay. You'll like it in a few months. Oh, it's oatmeal color? It's literally everything we have.

unknown 45:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 45:10

But I could stop with just jeans. I had to buy one more thing to make it a complete outfit.

SPEAKER_00 45:14

Of course. Duh.

SPEAKER_04 45:16

Duh. Duh. And they're like, the people, you know how you have to leave the dressing room to make sure everybody applauds how good it looks on you. I do. I don't. I do because I seek approval. And they're like, everything looks good on you. You're so long and lean. I'm like, no, that's not true. These size zeros are so loose.

SPEAKER_00 45:39

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_04 45:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:41

Honestly, trying on clothes in a dressing room was my worst nightmare. I'd rather just buy everything and then take it home and return.

SPEAKER_04 45:48

You can't return in the store. Oh. And trying on jeans, what a miserable experience. Not when uh they just slip right on and you're like, oh, I like this number. And you're like, and then you're like, I want you to see that I'm in this number. Well, you were out of town, so I had to show somebody and make them jealous. I'm gonna try them on. I'll see how tight they are. Oh, they're fabulous. I won't even tell you the number because it's not right. Double zero. Oh yeah. Oh shit. And like it's loose. Oh shit. No, it's not great.

SPEAKER_00 46:20

Well, you know, and you're only blacking out and seeing spots all the time. So I think you're fine. It's fine. You are smaller than a double zero.

SPEAKER_04 46:27

You just are gonna pass out any moment. I kind of like fell into a car today in the parking lot. I was like, and then I was hanging on to every guardwheel guardrail out of the hot tub today. Yikes. I was like, this is not great. So I'm like, breathe. Eat. I did. I had a bunch of half. I know. I had a half of everything. Half of everything. I'm supposed to have eaten all week. Yeah, I believe that. You're just sad because I was gone. That's why. I know. What?

SPEAKER_00 47:07

All right. Well, someone's gotta go to work, and it's actually not me. So uh make sure to share this episode with all of your besties. Like, subscribe, follow at Honestly Smartless, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, wherever your podcast, and we will see you next time.